13th, Apr 2012 @ 12:25 am
It has been a really long time since I was in a relationship. Although there are certain things that I really enjoy about being single, there are definitely perks to being in a relationship that I do miss. In the past, a lot of it had to with physical needs, but I'm beginning to really feel the emotional aspect of it. I wonder if part of it also has to do with the fact that everyone around me are in extremely stable relationships. It makes me question why I've been single for so long and still haven't found that connection with someone.
Anyway, pretty much right after I moved New York, I decided to join OKCupid. I was on it for less than a month before work got too busy. Since not getting fired still takes priority over dating, I deactivated my account. But I was still in contact with a few people that I had been chatting with. There was this one particular guy whom I actually kind of liked. But I slept with him much, much too early. Well I'd like to blame it on the circumstances, it's really just a matter of poor judgement.
Given my casual attitude towards sex, I always thought that I be emotionally unaffected by casual sex, but time after time, I realize that it's really not as easy as it seems. I don't know. Maybe I just hadn't done it enough. Maybe a few more experiences like this and I will become apathetic to it.
Something tells me this is the path of online dating anyway. Even though I was only on the site briefly, I quickly learned that it is extremely easy to meet people, which is precisely why it is so difficult to actually connect with someone. You know how they say when you're presented with a lot of choices, it's not actually a good thing because it becomes overwhelmingly complex. Online dating is basically like modern shopping. Before I make any purchases, even for really simple things, I feel like I need to check online first to see if I can find the same or a better product cheaper elsewhere. When you're talking with so many different people online, you feel like you have so many options. You put in less effort. It makes harder to commit to anything.
I half regret my decision with the boy because I did like him, but the sex was meh so I guess whatever. I would have been much more upset if the sex had been amazing. So all I can say is thank you random boy for reminding me of what I have known all along. After this experience, I really want to reactivate my account because it's so much easier to not care when you can devote your attention to the many other boys out there.
But I'm resisting this temptation until I finish training. Not getting fired still comes first. After training I'm jumping back into this shit even if I already feel like it's going to make me more pessimistic about the dating scene in New York. But I believe in numbers. No, not the number of sexual partners. I believe that as a mere fact of probability, the best chances to find what you're looking for is to keep looking. Even if the odds are bad, it's better than not looking, right?
New York, give me another month and I'll be ready for you.